I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Son: What does “nihilism” mean?
Me: “Everything is meaningless.”
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.