no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Same pineapple, same
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*