@cartercartilage

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@AsgardianRose

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

@iriskessler

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

@envydatropic

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

@UGotMeRight

The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

@msbtx

Son: What does “nihilism” mean?
Me: “Everything is meaningless.”
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?

@BrucioMcCulloch

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

@SCbchbum

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

@patnspankme

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.