@cartercartilage

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

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@jctwritesstuff

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

@Kyle_Raney

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

@SondraDeeMe

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

@Reverend_Scott

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

@MatCro

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

@Alex_N_Chains

I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.

@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

@drunktweets81

My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.

@sannewman

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place