No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive
I won’t have a clue how to get back here

You Might Also Like


Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!


We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?


Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.

I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.


Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same


Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?


honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral


Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?


one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell


[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad


Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person’s picture, whisper “It has to look like an accident”, walk away.