No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”