No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Canadian owl: Eh?
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*