No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?