No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
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genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.