“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
This is sending me to another galaxy
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG