No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
How dude HOW?!
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?