“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
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Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?