“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

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People who automatically say it will get better

without actually knowing what the problem is…

is why there are bodies buried in my yard


(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay


I told my husband my throat was sore & his response was, “We’d better have sex quick before you get too sick.”

& it’s nice to know normalcy remains.


If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.


Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?


Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work


Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]


Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”


Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.