“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”