‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.