“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.