“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
You Might Also Like
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
j o i m p
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Hamburger Hinderer.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Cinematography is my passion
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Just a reminder, folks:
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 馃槀
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.