“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The Birdles
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.