No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.