no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

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okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?


Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.


The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.


You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse


A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.


It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine


My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.


Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.


Me: I told everyone.


*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*


“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos