A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
These 3D printers are insane!
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’