No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
There are no pants in heaven.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
💯😂
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.