@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

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@JimmerThatisAll

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

@Darlainky

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

@Sanbel11

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

@Swishergirl24

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

@PolishWonder79

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

@BoogTweets

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

@rajandelman

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

@truegritrumble

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

@pakalupapito

sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

@lisaxy424

Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill