No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.


Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.


BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?


“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.


Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.



Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl


[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care


So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.


sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation


Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill