No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?