No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

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When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt


6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*


friend: we’re worried ur on drugs

salvador dali: why i’m not at all

friend: ur paintings dont make sense

dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense

friend: what

dali: can i borrow ten dollars


A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.


“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*


Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.


[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*


This woman took her cats to a department store to visit Santa and as you can see it went quite well


The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”