@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

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@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

@QwertyJones3

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

@randypaint

friend: we’re worried ur on drugs

salvador dali: why i’m not at all

friend: ur paintings dont make sense

dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense

friend: what

dali: can i borrow ten dollars

@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@sammyrhodes

Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

@AlsBoy

This woman took her cats to a department store to visit Santa and as you can see it went quite well

@TheCatWhisprer

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”