No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
buys donuts instead
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast