@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

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@JoeRegular4

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

@KeetPotato

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@prufrockluvsong

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

@colleen_eileen

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

@corinnemlwsw

“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”

Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.

@TheAlexP

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

@tarashoe

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir