Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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Mullet For My Valentine
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[new coffee shop]
b: order for Prune!
m: Pru. P-R-U
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”
Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir