No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
My dad teaching me to drive
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.