My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
IT’S-A ME,
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.