Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Who says great literature is dead?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?