No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh