No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

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I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.


I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.


I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.


My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.


Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.


My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.


I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.


I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas


How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.