@Traceykemp8

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

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@weinerdog4life

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

@funnybeachgirl

I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

@KateWhineHall

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

@roxaroodw

I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don’t ask me to babysit.

@winosaurusmom

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

@PinkCamoTO

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@FlyJ_

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

@thedadvocate01

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@sarcasticmommy4

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!