No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me and the Superbowl rn
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him