No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Every. Damn. Time.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.