*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
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No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.