@jonnysun

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

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@JessObsess

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

@ddsmidt

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

@AndyAsAdjective

Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake

@refreshingslurp

Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers

Genie: done

Me: how many wishes do I have left?

Genie: 2

Me: nice

@TheAndrewNadeau

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

@birdbutterer

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.