“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
You Might Also Like
Come back with a warrant
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”