@Cyberbunbun who👏replaced👏my👏space👏bar👏with👏a👏clapping👏emoji👏I👏need👏to👏finish👏my👏papers👏tonight👏please👏help👏me
@ScaryMommy No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
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@Cyberbunbun 
@SortaBad me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
@FilthyRichmond I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
@TheHyyyype [first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
@bananagrvyrd People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
@squirrel74wkgn [at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
@rose24_em If a guy spread rose petals all over my apartment, I would literally look at him and just be like:
“I’m not picking this up.”
@TheBoydP Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
@AmberTozer Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
@Metalligretch Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.