@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

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@Cyberbunbun

who👏replaced👏my👏space👏bar👏with👏a👏clapping👏emoji👏I👏need👏to👏finish👏my👏papers👏tonight👏please👏help👏me

@SortaBad

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

@FilthyRichmond

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

@TheHyyyype

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

@bananagrvyrd

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

@rose24_em

If a guy spread rose petals all over my apartment, I would literally look at him and just be like:
“I’m not picking this up.”

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@AmberTozer

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

@Metalligretch

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.