@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

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@Jarhead44

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

@johnofah

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

@Rollinintheseat

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

@Rollmaninoz

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

@robwhisman

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

@MafiaJoker78

Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..

Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.

@MUMSIEesq

4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”

ME: “Yup.”

4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now