@Jarhead44
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
@ScaryMommy
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
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@Jarhead44
@IamEveryDayPpl
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
@david8hughes
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
@johnofah
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
@Rollinintheseat
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
@Rollmaninoz
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
@robwhisman
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
@MafiaJoker78
Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..
Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.
@MUMSIEesq
4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”
ME: “Yup.”
4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”
@Shen_the_Bird
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now