Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.
I’ll keep you all posted.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..
Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.
4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”
4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now