[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
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Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they’re frosted.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?
*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*
Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope
And the cops always come sooner then you expect