No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

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[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.


Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.


*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.


People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.


Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.


Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry


*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?


GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?

*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*


Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect