No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
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“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
guilty
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL