No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
You Might Also Like
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother