Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know