no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
You Might Also Like
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.