Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
No one gets more scared than the kid that makes their younger sibling cry while mom is in the other room.
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I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]
Me: One ring to rule them all.
[I put on the ring and vanish forever]
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[dog dies in a movie]
[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.