FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Legend 🤣🤣
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.