No one gets more scared than the kid that makes their younger sibling cry while mom is in the other room.

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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”


I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids


take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there


when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas


[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]


Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]


ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine


[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier


“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.