@turtledumplin

No one gets more scared than the kid that makes their younger sibling cry while mom is in the other room.

You Might Also Like

@awescar

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

@Token_Geezer

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

@ch000ch

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

@nyquills

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]

GF: OMG!

Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

@_ElvishPresley_

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

@two1ohhbabydoll

“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.