No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.