No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

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I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.


[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.


My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”


Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.


I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.


Me, being sawn in half by Magician: Hey listen, thanks for doing this


MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN’T FIND ANY SOCKS

ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER