@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

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@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

@BoomBoomBetty

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

@Bagyants

My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”

@sportswithjohn

Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.

@WritePlay

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

@brynnester

Me, being sawn in half by Magician: Hey listen, thanks for doing this

@ValeeGrrl

MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN’T FIND ANY SOCKS

ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER