My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle