No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*