No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’m having an out of money experience.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.