No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog


Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.


Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.


me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak


pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.


[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia


Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.


Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch


Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.