@dadmann_walking
@sad_tree
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
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@sad_tree
@Laser_Cat
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
@Jarhead44
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
@omgthatspunny
It’s a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.
@scant_alpaca
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
@CopBroughtPizza
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
@ArfMeasures
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
@moose_chocolate
Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.
@DaddyJew
Executioner: any last words?
Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch
@jollyrobber
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.