No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
anyone else like Italian cereal
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?