I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
You Might Also Like
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.