@dadmann_walking

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

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@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

@thepoetknight

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

@DanMentos

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

@TheDailySchmuck

I can deal with shootings and police harassment.

But it’s January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music.

Time to leave the ghetto

@DaddyJew

Me: *passes out pizza*

3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2

Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*

3: wow, thank you

@carlyme23

If you want her – tell her.
If you need her – show her.
If you yearn for her – touch her.

Just make sure her husband’s not at home.

@MelvinofYork

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.