@dadmann_walking

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

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@sad_tree

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

@Laser_Cat

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

@Jarhead44

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

@scant_alpaca

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

@CopBroughtPizza

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

@ArfMeasures

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

@moose_chocolate

Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.

@DaddyJew

Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch

@jollyrobber

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.