@dadmann_walking

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

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@russhigher

I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

@Gupton68

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

@maisondecris

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

@flashember

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

@slooberbie

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

@sadmonsters

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

@DothTheDoth

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

@SkunkFarts

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.