No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You Might Also Like
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals