Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist