WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Date: I like old-fashioned guys
Me: *dies of polio*
just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,