No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

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My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”


Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*


Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?


I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.


Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.


Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this


I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.


sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake


Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?