No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
This was the best day of my life
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
operators are standing by to ignore your call
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.