My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?