@KentWGraham

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

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@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@IchBin_Rob

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

@daemonic3

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

@DanKCharnley

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

@KenJennings

just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go

@BoogTweets

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

@Vhalechark

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,