1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Waiter: how did you two meet
Me: this is actually a blind date
W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My 10 year old son just told me I look nice today so I’m trying to figure out what he broke and where he hid it.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*