me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: get out
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me: Can we leave? These things take forever
Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents
*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.