@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

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@BradBroaddus

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

@3sunzzz

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

@Barknado69

Waiter: how did you two meet

Me: this is actually a blind date

W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET

@SaltyCorpse

A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.

@CAshmanActor

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

@not_delicate

My 10 year old son just told me I look nice today so I’m trying to figure out what he broke and where he hid it.

@dhumann

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

@girl_a_whirl

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*