@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

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@funflaps

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

@miller_tm

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

@orange_rhymer

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

@Browtweaten

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

@panmidwest

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

@AndrewChamings

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

@Mr_Kapowski

[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents

@trojansauce

*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect

@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.