No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….


I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.


Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite


Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.


H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.


A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…


If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.


Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”