No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him