No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

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[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit


I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)


Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?

Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.


Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?


If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”


When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water


I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.


It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated


I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics


I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”


the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO