men, we mow at sunrise.
You Might Also Like
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]