No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers