No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us