Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”